These days my social media feed is full of articles telling me with the start of kindergarten comes the end of my life. Just kidding, But also, for real. And the sinking pit in my stomach as the days draw closer makes me wonder if they’re right. Everyone is telling me that from the moment I walk my sweet 5 year old little boys into the doors of a school building, they are no longer mine, but the world’s, to do with as it pleases. And that, naturally, makes me sick to my core.
Maybe those articles are right to a degree. I’ve less than a week until I find out. I’ve stayed at home with my boys from the time they were 2. And I’ve loved every stinking’ SUPER HARD minute of it. In case you’re thinking otherwise, please know that a stay-at-home-mom and a trophy wife are two different occupations. This is a 24 hour gig. And even with me taking on some contract paralegal work, the majority of my days are spent cooking, cleaning, potty training, kissing boo-boos and staying up all hours of the night. There are no sick days. There is no “influencer” lifestyle of lattes and little play groups full of bliss and Montessori toys. It’s screaming. And doctors appointments. And traffic. And sweating. And not washing your hair. And mounds of laundry you cannot keep up with no matter how hard you try. It’s signing up to be a mom and a maid and a housekeeper and a coach and a host of all seasons. And there is always someone telling you that you’re doing it wrong. Either online or in person. There’s little relief and no recognition. I would like to tell you that you get Mother’s Day, but actually you don’t. It’s a myth. You get some flowers but someone still pounces on your head at 5 AM.
You think you’re going to do “all the things” and then you find yourself driving, with bloodshot eyes, to a McDonald’s for 5 minutes of someone not touching you, and your Air Pods in playing PROFANE rap music so that you still somewhat feel like you are tethered to a world that isn’t full of someone yelling “OH TOOOOOODLES”. All that to say, this hasn’t been an easy job. And I know it’s not ending. But it’s changing. And that’s bringing a WHOLE LOT of feelings with it.
There will be fewer mornings of long snuggles. Fewer moments that I am the one teaching them something new. Fewer mid-day naps and early morning donut runs. And there’s an apprehension about sending my kids to public school in today’s society that I can’t quite explain. From the politics to the paranoia about things like illness and school shootings, I can’t help but feel a sense of uneasiness about releasing the hands of my babies to walk into a great big new world. But then again, I know it’s time. It’s a strange place to be.
I used to get really sad when my boys were smaller, worried that somehow all the sweet times were slipping away so quickly, and yet I was so busy, I didn’t know how to “soak it all in” like everyone screamed at me. There was one time in particular that we were in a gift shop in the mountains. I had Banks harnessed to my chest and I was holding the hands of Jack and Wade as we weaved in between hiking boots and souvenir snow globes. A lady peaked around a display and looked me in the eyes and said “You’re doing great mama. And it gets better. I promise. I have 5 boys and they are my best friends. These days are wonderful, but all of the days are wonderful ahead too. You teach them to be good people and love Jesus, and they’ll be just fine”. I still tear up thinking about her encouragement that day. It was as if she knew exactly what my heart was pleading to hear in that moment of chaos.
And despite all of the fear within me today, I am choosing to believe that’s the truth. That they’re always going to be my babies. That they’re always going to love me, just as much, despite how our relationship changes with their growth. That they’re going to have so much fun, and learn so many new things. That they’re going to be good people. That know Jesus. And love Him. And show Him to a world that is sick and dying and hurting. And I am going to trust that the Lord that began a good work in them, will in fact see it to completion.
My mother-in-law, who has battled stage 4 cancer since September, will not be in the classroom this year. She spent 29 years in education and deeply believes in the value of it. She’s devoted her whole life to it. She looked at me a few nights ago and told me she thinks I am one of the greatest mothers in the whole world. And I can’t say I agree with her. But as we both cried when she told me that, I felt somewhat equipped to release the hands of my babies and let them place them in the hands of people like her. People that will love them. And have devoted their lives to equipping children to navigate life. So that they can do the same for others.
I wouldn’t trade being a mama for anything in the world. Any title. Any role. Anything. And as my role shifts and changes with these different seasons, I pray that I keep my mind on things above, knowing that they’ll be okay. And I’ll be okay. And that God is going to write amazing stories with their precious lives.
But goodness, will I always long for sweet, slow, Tennessee summers with my boys.
XOXO,
B.
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