Growing Pains

“Nothing will test your faith like pregnancy”-Erica Pearson

 

“No kidding” I thought to myself as I refrained from using the “f” word to tell a friend off. Sometimes I just want to shout to the world “THAT”S IT. I AM DONE WITH ALL OF YOU AND HIDING FOREVER”. Ever feel that way? I sure have, and well, have for a little while now.

 

Something happens when you announce your pregnancy. It’s as if all of the sudden you are put on a stage, with a spotlight shining directly in your eyes and a big red target painted on your growing belly. People all of the sudden become experts on a variety of topics from prenatal care, safe sleep, car seat safety, cribs, formula, essential oils, breastfeeding and literally every other baby related topic under the sun. And because they are self proclaimed experts-they feel the need to share everything from advice, to fears to horror stories (because that’s exactly what a mama that has miscarried before needs to hear).

 

Whether your rainbow baby has come along, or you are still waiting to conceive, know that the moment you announce-it begins. There will be days where you will be so wrapped up in God’s glory that you can hardly keep from smiling. But, there will be other days when you are afraid, sad and feel like cussing someone out and I’ve had a lot of those lately.

 

According to my OB/GYN, I’m right on track. One twin is slightly smaller than the other but with closer monitoring and a great God, we trust it simply takes after me in stature and there are no complications. Fluid levels are great. Growth is increasing every week. I’m 15 weeks today and healthy as a horse. Do I feel like crap most every day? Yeah. Can I take a prenatal yet? No. And newsflash: I can’t even take a Flinstone every day-just my good ones( Aka ones where I’m not so sick with a migraine or with general nausea period that I can get one and keep one down). So, there’s that. Oh, and I’m on literal pain medicine for migraines now so go ahead and write me off as a terrible mother there too. Does the growth thing scare me? Yeah it does, especially since I’ve miscarried before. But deep down am I hopeful I will hold two healthy children at the end of all of this? Yes.

 

But this post isn’t necessarily about a health update on the babies or me. It’s more of the first step to getting a little bit of a backbone and taking back territory.

 

You see, I almost let this blog expire. I almost let my subscription delete on its own. I already told close friends I was deleting all of my social media platforms, deleting the blog and just focusing on me for a while. With all of the support I have received, I have also received more criticism than I can even process. So much so, I cannot post a single post on Facebook without receiving a private message or comment on how something is wrong with whatever I am doing. It’s to the point that I get so angry and so irritated that I literally want to just keep myself, my heart and especially these babies sheltered from all of the crap people have to say. And I have wrestled with it.

 

I have had ample opportunities open up in the last few months with this blog to take it to a new level. Adding a retail component, podcasts, branching out, etc. But I haven’t for a number of reasons, the main one being I am STRUGGLING with not being able to do it all. Not so much by my standards even (which are pretty darn high) but by everyone else’s. I am so stressed out by all of the “do’s” and “don’ts” of motherhood, building a home, etc that I really don’t think I can even have fun with this blog and enjoy the ministry end of it right now. Not like this.

 

So for that reason, I am backing off social media for a while. I will continue to write. I will continue to share the joy that the Lord has blessed us with during this season because I do believe though there is suffering in this life there is also glory and a whole lot of joy. But I refuse to be sucked in to the negativity of social media any longer-and if that means separating myself from it for a season-so be it. So if you begin to give me an opinion that you feel strongly about-and have very good intentions in doing so-but I don’t take your advice or join a Facebook page, please do not take it personal. I am simply trying to protect my very anxious mind and heart from any more than it has to handle right now.

 

Because at the end of the day, I think it’s important to note, I did everything “right” with my first pregnancy and my baby still died.

 

I say that to make the point that what Jesus said in John 16:33 holds true for all stages of life-no matter how prepared or educated we think we are: “I have told you these things so that in me, you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world”.

 

Guess what? There is a chance even with no bumpers in the crib, a ridiculous amount of folic acid, natural childbirth, essential oils in labor, not one unhealthy GMO filled substance in my body, and all of the mama-expert advice in the world, I will hold a dead child at the end of the day. There just is. That’s life. Do I want it to happen? No. Will I educate myself to do my part in preventing it from happening? Yes. But am I perfect? No. And will I screw up a million times in this parenting adventure? Absolutely. So, thank goodness I have Jesus Christ.

 

Y’all I know I am the most “imperfect” candidate for twin parenting in all of God’s earth. I weighed 92 pounds when I found out I was pregnant. I can’t take prenatal vitamins. I have puked my guts out. I have horrible migraines that I have to take prescription medication for while pregnant. I’ve miscarried before. I literally just recovered from mono. I have zero immune system. I take medication for anxiety. I am in the middle of building a house. I work full time. I farm full time. I am in no shape or form capable of doing this on my own. Yet God chose me to be these two babies’ mama. And their mama I will be to the very best of my ability. He knows I am afraid and unequipped on my own to do this, yet he calls me to trust HIM over the statistics, the comments, the horror stories and the fear.

 

Erica Pearson, blogger of “A Stirred Heart” , reminded me today of three words that didn’t erase but soothed the fears and stings of hurtful comments I have received lately: “He’s got this.”

 

In this life, we can educate ourselves all we want to and fearfully try to warn others of all that could go wrong. Those of us who are fearful, can even “run away” from any and everyone if we really try. But, bad things will still happen. And fears will still knag away at us. That’s why God calls us to be faithful girls rather than fearful girls. Living life with faith that “He’s got this” isn’t the norm or the cool thing and maybe to many it makes one seem like an unfit mother. But I will tell you this, it’s a whole lot less pressure, than living in the fear that it’s all up to you. Because mama, let me tell you, (preaching to myself here) the idea that you ever had control in the first place, is an illusion. It was never all up to you.

 

Signing off from social media for a while, but staying connected here.

 

(P.S. we find out gender Wednesday! Prayers for continued improvement please and thank you!)

 

XoXo,

B