Disclaimer: this is not a post about how to get over a miscarriage. Why such a misleading title then you ask? Well the truth is, you don’t get over it and this is a slight rant and revelation as to why all in one. It’s been a few weeks since I have posted a blog and there’s a multitude of reasons for that: 1) I’m back at work and just don’t have the time. 2) I just don’t really want to talk about the miscarriage. I’m at a point where I just don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to see another pregnant person and I don’t want to see anything baby related from anyone. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to enjoy the sunshine. I want to notice my flowers blooming. I want to go shopping. I want to eat shrimp without crying because I’m not pregnant anymore. I don’t want to get mad at every “unfit” mother and I don’t want to feel like punching everyone that sarcastically tells me “Don’t you wish you had one” because yes actually, I do. I want things to normalize. To settle down. To just be. Because when I do think about it, I have anxiety attacks. Real ones. I get infuriated at moms in Wal Mart that are hateful to their children and have to pray the Lord keeps his hand over my mouth and around my tiny manicured wrist when someone is sarcastic over the fact that I don’t have children.
For all of you out there who are saying “Amen sister, praise the Lord” please note: there was a point when I too questioned my sanity in all of this-not that I don’t already do this daily- and my sweet doctor, bless his dear soul, reminded me I’ve been through a lot and I’m so not even near legitimately losing it. So praise God I’m aware of the fact I am sad, hurt, mad, a little bit bitter, and jealous over all of it. Apparently that’s healthy. So, if you’re still with me, congratulations you may feel like a nut but you’re not there yet.
On that note, after I miscarried I had two different pathways of advice everyone seemed to give me. The first one was “Bethany, you need to grieve. You need to deal with what you’re feeling and just meltdown so you can move on.” The other one was “You’re handling it so well. You’ll make it through this fine! Just keep yourself busy and you’ll be pregnant again in no time” Both are sound pieces of advice that I have followed to one extent or the other. Being the dramatic type that I am, I focused on the first piece of advice in fear of the mental breakdown I was sure to have if I didn’t “face my feelings.” I bought books. I dwelled on every detail of the day. I wrote in a journal. I read my Bible. I even scheduled a meeting with a counselor. I found that dwelling on my feelings and the experience only caused anxiety for me (not that those methods aren’t helpful to others). I also found that there is no “book” that has a prescribed method of healing that is going to work in A,B,C order for every person. And it sure wasn’t helping me. After I had an anxiety attack home alone one day I immediately went to extreme 2 and stayed very busy. I found that I felt a lot better the busier I stayed but also found that I had a lot of trouble when I was forced for face the miscarriage again. For example, my first doctor’s appointment after my surgery caused me to have an all out meltdown and made me extremely sad and anxious. I thought finding a balance was impossible.
I don’t know if getting back in a routine has something to do with it or just a combination of the experience plus the regained normality but I’ve had a really good week. I still don’t “deal” with things well when I talk about them. The miscarriage still hurts. I can still see the ultrasound screen and hear the words “no heartbeat” replayed over and over. I can still picture myself lethargically laying in my husband’s arms and sobbing knowing I would never get to hold my baby. I still wake up thinking I’m cramping and I still can’t spend much time in that empty nursery. I cry when I want to. I get angry-really angry-sometimes and sometimes I just want to scream. I’m thankful I don’t have to go to any sort of class reunion this year because I’m embarrassed and hurt and jealous of my classmates that have healthy babies. I get tired of being sad so some days I just pick not to be. I laugh a whole lot more. I talk to my mother-in-law a lot more about how I feel and it has strengthened our relationship so much. My mama has become even more of a comforting voice and I am completely unashamed to call her when I am flipping out. I have found that I don’t have to do an in depth devotional on grief every day-or even at all. Sometimes, just sitting on my porch swing in the sunshine and saying a little prayer is the best therapy on Earth. I kiss my husband a lot more and spend as much time as possible right next to him. I’ve fallen in love with him all over again. We are going on a weekend getaway soon and I bought my first pair of hiking boots for the trip. Bet y’all didn’t think I had that in me huh? And though I would give absolutely anything to hold that little freckled baby on October 6, I know my Father will be rocking him or her in heaven. And y’all, there is a peace in that.
When I found out the news, I lost it. I sobbed. I wrestled with it. I hurt like I never ever have before. And I know I have to deal with it. But I faced it head on the moment I climbed onto the ultrasound table. I didn’t have a choice. And though I stood at the entrance to the hospital and almost dropped to my knees in tears, I have NEVER been so sure of the fact that there was a very powerful God and that he was all around me in that moment. So no, maybe I’m not dealing with it in the best way according to what people think or maybe even what a psychology book would prescribe.And no I’m not getting over it any time soon and I never will. As you can see mentioned above, I am a roller coaster of emotions. But in this heartbreaking mind boggling emotional roller coaster of a season I am reminded of 2 Timothy 1:12 and I cling to it. It states, “That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day”. Jesus is able to guard my mind. Guard my heart. Guard my marriage. Guard my life. And fully take care of, love, and protect my sweet baby. Far better than I could.
So sisters who are walking or have walked through this same miserable road of suffering whether it be in miscarriage or infertility, know this: your suffering is no cause for shame. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to be hurt and jealous and frustrated. Because God knows and cares for you and is fully able to help you navigate through the storm and through every emotion. You will never get over losing your baby and there is no method that will ever be an overnight fix. And maybe if you’re like me, just making it day to day and not being depressed all day long is the best you can do. However, God can and will walk through every step with you with or without sound advice and well thought out books. And from experience, I can promise you: it’s a much lighter burden to bear.
Praying for even brighter days ahead.
PS: the book shown in the image above has brought me SO much comfort, especially with the prayers and verses it contains that remind me of truth. The sweet miscarriage themed bracelet I designed came from Branded Tin jewelry. Look them up on Facebook!