Purpose

I took a pregnancy test the other night. It was negative. No surprise really. But, I couldn’t resist the urge to buy one at CVS and hope. I haven’t blogged in a long time and there are a few reasons for that. The number one being sometimes, I just don’t want to talk about my miscarriage. I don’t want to discuss my hormones or my mood swings or my exhaustion or my sadness. I don’t want to tell that I had to go to the bathroom at work the other day and fix my makeup because I cried so hard on my way in. I don’t want to tell you that I had a panic attack over my husband being out of town because I want him to be with me at all times. I don’t always want to be sad. I don’t like the word “grief”. I don’t want to talk about pregnancy. I don’t want to hear the phrase “Do you have any kids?” for the 100^th time. I don’t want to feel anxious all the time or sick to my stomach or just flat crazy.

Another reason I haven’t posted is a lot has changed since the last time I blogged. I got a new job-my “career’ job I guess you could say. It’s hay season so the farm makes for a lot of alone time. But trying to balance marriage, a job, the laundry and a hormonal roller coaster leaves for little time to blog. To be honest, I’m very tired. My evenings are filled with trying to rest enough to gear up for the next day, dinner at 9 and falling asleep on the couch before Jon even has time to kiss me goodnight. I don’t deal well with change. Good or bad, it’s never an easy transition for me. A new job and new routine are hard enough. Add in a mix of a baby shaped hole in your heart, and an anxious spirit and it makes for a really hard few weeks.

When I was in college I planned to attend law school. I scored very high on all of my practice LSAT exams. I was an English major on a Pre Law track and I did everything I could to build a resumé. In my senior year, I no longer felt a desire to pursue a law degree but didn’t know what I wanted to do. I was always extremely ambitious and when my plans didn’t work out I really didn’t know what to do. Up until I met Jon, a career is all I wanted. I tried my hand at teaching and accepted another position at a bank shortly into my teaching position. Turns out, it wasn’t for me either. Though we never planned to become pregnant, deep down in me I had a yearning to be a mom. I don’t know why, but Jon and I discussed it a lot and I just felt it would be the best thing in the world-someday. When I found out I was pregnant I felt like God was speaking loud and clear that this baby was the reason nothing had really worked out career wise. This baby was my purpose. Then, my baby died.

I know I’ve said this before but you go through a lot of emotions when you have a miscarriage. My first thought was deep, deep disappointment. Then, it was the feeling that I would never get through this or that I would go crazy trying to make it through this. Then, my already anxious spirit took over and fear set in. Fear of everything. I went through a period of denial and a period of anger. I still get angry. I still really suffer with anxiety and I have a hard time trusting God will take care of me and especially my husband. I prayed every day for my baby. I prayed for everything about that baby. There is no thing on earth I wanted more. And still, God took my baby back home to Him. How do you process that? How do you trust God after that? How do you get up every day and go through life when your “purpose” dies?

There are times I want to run away. I can’t tell you how many times I tell Jon “Let’s just move away. Let’s go to the mountains and buy a cabin, and buy a Jeep and just hike and be together. All the time, every day. Let’s just go.” Then I realize I am not the type to sleep in a tent and I really enjoy a hot tub soak after a day in the woods and reality hits: running away won’t fix anything. Running away won’t fill the baby shaped hole in my heart. I like living comfortably. I like cooked food and memory foam pillows. I like nail polish and routine and my little farm life. I have a good job. I have a great family. I have a precious life that I love here. But running away and getting lost with my husband sure does sound good in moments when the hurt is still very raw and very real.

I heard a song this week and I will probably have another blog post entirely about it at some point but it put into words every single thing my heart has screamed for the past 3+ months. I sobbed when I heard the interview surrounding it and the fact that Hillary Scott wrote this about her miscarriage. I couldn’t help but share the words:

 

I’m so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don’t wanna think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is a part of your plan

When I try to pray

All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you’re good

But this don’t feel good right now

And I know you think

Of things I could never think about

It’s hard to count it all joy

Distracted by the noise

Just trying to make sense

Of all your promises

Sometimes I gotta stop

Remember that you’re God

And I am not

So

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Goodness you have in store

I know you hear me

I know you see me, Lord

Your plans are for me

Good news you have in store

So, thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

Thy will be done

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord

 

I don’t know how to process this miscarriage. I don’t want to always hurt when I think about my baby but I’m not over it. And I’m not sure when I’m going to be. And I don’t have perfect faith. Sometimes I don’t know how to even have faith. Sometimes I just get up and go through the day the best I can. I don’t know how I could sum up what I feel any better than the words Hillary wrote.

When I heard this song, I had just picked up our wedding cake to eat on our first wedding anniversary. I told my friend about it and she said “I am so glad your baby is speaking to you today of all days!”…And it was then it hit me: Sisters, purpose does not die with the loss of a child and it does not come with a career. I fully believe that God allowed me to hear that song on my first wedding anniversary and hear the heartfelt interview that followed it that spoke so much comfort to my “run away” heart. I have purpose because God says I have purpose. I don’t have to run away because my heavenly Father allows me to run to Him. And even when life is hard, and mascara is ruined and anxiety grips my spirit and every one of my feeble attempts at perfection ends in failure, FAITH is proclaiming God’s promises and tearfully saying “Thy will be done”. No matter what we face.