I hate Mother’s Day.
I spent Saturday and Sunday focused on my mother, mother-in-law and grandmothers. I made sure I gave everyone the best Mother’s Day I could.
But, if I have to see another “Post a picture of what you looked like pregnant, and your baby now” post on Facebook, I may seriously lose it.
I’m consumed with wanting a child right now. CONSUMED. I don’t like to admit that, but in talking with a good friend this morning I realized I have become obsessed with getting pregnant. It’s not a fun, hopeful thing anymore. It’s a science project that has turned into a super stressful, legs-in-the-air, prenatal vitamin roller coaster with no end.
I get so frustrated. How can these high school and college aged girls have one wild night and boom: beautiful baby 9 months later? Like how does that happen? Pregnancy is WORK. It’s an art form-a craft if you will that takes months sometimes years to master. And yet, next thing you know, there’s girls out there destined to be the next “Kate plus 8” at the rate they reproduce. Is there something in the water? Am I missing something here?
Not only do I get frustrated, I get extremely jealous and often times, really confused. I graduated top of my class, have a college degree, a great job, am in the process of building a new home, own a farm and teach Sunday school. I have all of the qualifications of, what I would think, would be a decent mom. Jon and I are happily married, we come from good families and live in a smoke free, drug free, oil diffused Joanna Gaines environment. WE ARE PRIME PARENTAL CANDIDATES LORD. WE FOLLOW THE RULES.
And yet, we still don’t have a baby.
I scroll through my newsfeed, see girls on the streets, and pass women in the grocery store who clearly have no business being a mom. “They don’t love their children like I would Lord” I often pray. My heart aches and simultaneously swells with anger when I see a child on the news in extreme poverty or trapped in an abusive situation. I don’t understand for the life of me why SHE gets to be a mama and I don’t.
I’ve considered adoption, and recently discussed the topic heavily with Jon. He’s so kind and gentle but calmly responded “I’m not saying no altogether, just not right now. Let’s just pray over it”. I didn’t like his answer, but I knew deep down he was right. Adoption, though it has always been a consideration, isn’t something to rush into. I know that, it’s just hard.
The truth is I am tired of waiting. I’m tired of being patient. I’m tired of watching everyone else experience pregnancy. I’m tired of negative tests. I’m tired of hearing girls complain about being pregnant or how they can’t go do things because they have a kid. I’m tired of seeing mirror selfies of bellies. I’m sick of announcements and balloons and cute maternity pictures. When is it my turn? When do I get to experience that? Why, after so much heartbreak can’t I make it to the end of a pregnancy? I have done everything-short of IVF- that I know how to do on my own. I have tried with all of my might to make this pregnancy thing become a reality and I physically and mentally can do no more right now. I want off of the roller coaster.
I reached out to a dear friend and mentor of mine this morning. She has been through several miscarriages and still exhibits so much strength and grace. She now has three beautiful children and lights up any room she enters. She reminded me my feelings were normal, that I had the power to step off of the roller coaster, and have faith. She also gave me a verse to cling to in this season of exhaustion and desperation:
“But those who hope in the Lord
Will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles
The will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint”
I try to end my posts on a positive note but I also want to be realistic. Today, I am frustrated and tired of wanting a baby and repeating this verse to myself didn’t miraculously change that. I cling to verses and provide them in my posts, not to make everything that I say “Christian” but to encourage you to constantly go back to the TRUTH because it truly does set you free.
People tell me when I relax it will happen and when the time is right it will happen, but tonight I’m stepping down from the roller coaster and resting for me. Not “fake” resting in hopes God will give me a baby, but resting because I’m tired of working. I’m getting a Coke, pulling a chair down by the creek at our farm and taking a few minutes to relax and shift my focus to the here and now. I pray if you’re in the same season of life, you will have the courage to let go and do the same. Even if just for tonight.
Sweet girl, I feel your pain so very much. I love reading your blog on the struggles of not having a baby, I feel like if I were a writer these are the things I would say. My advice is just love Jon, try to make the best life you can with each other, and rest in God! I can say these things too you, because next month my husband and I will be celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary and 27 of those years we’ve longed for children of our own. Praying that God will give you the precious dream you so long for…
I hope you know how much a positive impact you bring to me through this blog. I know I’ve commented on a post before. I can truly say I know how you feel. It’s exhausting it’s frustrating. Some days there aren’t any words to explain…it’s hard to trust in God’s plan and I’m not going to lie there are sometimes where I have just lost faith in this plan…know that I am sending you well wishes and prayers. And please know that your blog gives me so much comfort to know I’m not alone.
I can’t really know how you’re feeling about pregnancy because I didn’t have trouble with that. However I do know someone who struggles with finding a full time job to support herself and child as a single for mom. She has a degree but can’t seem to land and hold into a job for more than 6-8 months. It’s really hard when phones get cut off, lights get cut off, can’t replace or repair appliances, and can’t put food in the pantry. Its a real struggle. SHE too has become very frustrated and angry when she sees others who are less qualified land jobs that pay really well or sees her friends with their happy lives and vacations. Social media can be unkind at times. Might be good to get off the social media circuit for a while. I will pray for you in this season of life.