First and foremost, I am blown away by the amount of support you all gave after my first blog post. 2,700 website views in 3 days is more than I ever even imagined was possible especially for someone who still has very little idea of what she’s doing and I cannot thank you all enough for supporting this new adventure. However, though the blog part is new, the writing isn’t. I always write. I write in my bible, write down my picks for Miss America, and write to vent. I always have. I find that it’s not only the best way I unwind, but also a very emotionally infused experienced. I like to think it’s healthy to get thoughts out of my head and on paper and maybe cry a little while I’m at it. It’s also somewhat a very personal experience because it’s just my thoughts and me. That being said, I want to make a disclaimer about blogging and how I came to start one in the first place, especially after a miscarriage.
This isn’t a popularity stunt or a way to make money by owning my own blog, though that would be fun. I created a blog because I absolutely could not keep quiet about my miscarriage. I could not do it. For one reason, my unborn child deserved to be recognized as a human being no matter what it cost me. He or she was in very early stages of development. However, in a society where human life doesn’t exactly count at conception, I had a deep conviction that it did and I intended to speak up about it. Because my baby does count and still does. Also, the Lord has put a blog on my heart as a form of ministry for a very long time. And when the Lord convicts you to do something, you do it.
I almost had a legitimate anxiety attack when I pushed the button to publish my first post. I was extremely hesitant about creating a website and had zero idea what I was doing. But I knew I had to do it. So I cried and typed and clicked and drank about 6 Dr. Peppers before I finally clicked the blue button that said “Publish”. I don’t like attention when it comes to very personal things. I have no problem speaking in front of others. I have no problem singing in front of others. I don’t mind presentations and I don’t mind being the center of attention. But people reading what I wrote- that’s a whole different story. I guess I feel, for a lack of better words, dumb. I HATED when teachers read essays aloud in class and literally started to sweat when I had to switch papers with someone so they could edit it. That same sweat started creeping down my back when I first felt the nudge from God and my husband to start a blog. I replied a very firm “Absolutely not.” I never thought anyone would care to read what I had to say and I thought if anything they’d just criticize it anyway. But I recently learned that tragedies change you and sometimes promote you to do audacious things you otherwise wouldn’t do. Like stand up and be brave even when you’re embarrassed and scared and don’t have a clue.
I attended one of Beth Moore’s “Living Proof Live” events at a local church last year and the topic was on “Audacity”. What a word right? Audacity has different meanings when you look it up in Webster with the main one being “boldness”. Beth Moore defined it as “the guts to do it anyway”. It’s not that I really want to invite you into my personal thoughts and the happenings of my life. Like I mentioned earlier, I’m an anxious person and inviting people into my world isn’t really on my to do list. It isn’t because I want to use my miscarriage as a means for someone feeling sorry for me or giving me attention because I would rather just not open up about it and suffer through it with my husband alone. It’s not because I’m a tech savvy person and Instagram star because Lord Jesus knows I am the furthest thing from that. It’s because though I am terrified, God has laid on my heart that what I have to say, someone needs to hear.
Somewhere out there, there is a preppy blonde that has married a farmer who is in for a rude awakening the first time she has to bottle-feed calves in the rain. There is a young bride who is terrified of what her future holds even though she is madly in love with the man she is about to marry. There is some young woman who suffered a miscarriage and feels like someone took every bit of hope out of her life. There is a young woman who is struggling with anxiety and fear and doesn’t know why on earth she had to go lose her mind in the midst of everything else she has going on. There are young girls who are struggling because they worked hard in school and nothing seems to be working out like they planned. And there are some girls that just need to laugh. Or cry. Whichever.
Regardless, God has brought up the “blog” many times over the past year. A year that has been full of changes. Really scary changes I didn’t and still don’t understand. And after much encouragement from those that love me most, I finally said “Okay, I’ll do it.” I don’t like sharing about things that are the most important to me like my marriage, my unborn baby, and the farm. But I’m going to. Because I was that preppy anxiety ridden hopeless girl and I still am to an extent. Anxiety ridden? You bet. But I have friends who are nervous nellie’s now too and that helps. Preppy? Oh yeah. 60 degrees= Jack Rogers on my feet. But hopeless? No. And lately I’ve mustered up an awful lot of audacity. Audacity to speak up and say what’s on my heart and on my mind because God has a purpose for it. And I pray everything I publish that is personal and heartfelt is used for His purpose. Audacity to create a website even though I barely knew how to work Facebook. Audacity to say “Hey, look at this totally ridiculous thing I did today” so that someone else won’t feel so ridiculous. The audacity to share this totally transparent post that invites you to know even more about my limitless imperfections. The audacity to write about a very personal, embarrassing, hurtful topic such as miscarriage. The audacity that helps me to click “publish” even though I’m afraid. The audacity to have the guts to do it anyway.
P.S prayers are appreciated as we head to the doctor tomorrow to discuss what’s next after the miscarriage. Thank you so much for your love and support along the way.
P.S.S. Go follow us on Facebook and Instagram! Because I figured that out today!