First and foremost, thank you all so much for the outpour of love and support since my last post. Though I obviously haven’t deleted my social media outlets-and do not plan to-I no longer feel obligated or enslaved to posting baby updates every few days and what.a.relief. Social media is great-but it can be too much and putting it in its place has brought me so much freedom. (Take that Satan).
Secondly, I want to thank each and every one of you for your prayers-especially for Baby A throughout the past few months. At our first ultrasound it was noted that he/she was significantly smaller than the other which put us at risk for twin transfusion. Though not likely, signs were showing that Baby A was indeed smaller than the other and it rose a concern for my OB/GYN. I started having ultrasounds every other week to check and be sure both babies were growing proportionately and at a healthy rate. At my 15 week ultrasound we went to Vanderbilt Imaging where a growth scan was performed. After measuring both babies in detail (arms, legs, etc) it was determined that both babies were right on target at 4 ounces and measuring only 3 days a part rather than a week a part which is nothing short of a miracle. It was at this ultrasound we also got the news that both babies are BOYS!! We don’t have names yet, but we are actively working (and disagreeing) on them every day. I promise to update when we do!
Pregnancy symptoms SUCK and are still wreaking havoc on my life. So much so, at the ultrasound I had to stop and have a fan brought in and put on me while I attempted to vomit. I’ve also puked in the office parking lot-at lunch-across from the post office- where 900 people were walking in and out. I’ve blacked out a few times, round ligament pain is FIERCE and I’ve been late to work almost every day because mornings are just not a fun time for me.
Not to mention, I am a basket case. I cry all the time. I’m overwhelmed. And stressed. And so sleepy. And even hungry as I am throwing up. Everything stinks. Everything hurts. And all I want is a turkey club with mayo (which is the first meal I have requested when I am through delivering).
I’ve also had a lot of self-image issues since becoming pregnant and that isn’t helping the crying. I’m not talking about gaining weight though that is kind of hard because nothing fits. It’s not like I’m gaining it in all the right places. My legs and ankles are still stick thin and my belly pooches out (like a lot-imagine a chimp if you will) causing my pants to fit incorrectly and my body to feel highly disproportionate. I’m talking about the “ugly” feeling. My skin is pale and veiny. I already have stretch marks. Because I have been puking, I missed my last hair appointment causing my roots to be grown out and limp, and I’ve not been able to get a brow wax for months. I’m behind on pedicures, my face is breaking out but my skin is dry. Also, when you puke so hard it comes out your nose in the middle of the day-you don’t exactly walk around like Tyra Banks.
You can say what you want-think what you want-tell me I’m crazy, just pregnant and should be happy and all this stuff, but you have to put into perspective I am a 24 year old woman whose body has undergone massive changes in 4 months. MASSIVE changes. And though I am so thankful to be carrying these precious boys, I am also struggling. I haven’t seen this “glow” people speak of, and I definitely don’t look cute and put together like my friends. I know from now on, I will never be the same and I will never look the same. I desperately want to be attractive to my husband and I want to maintain the cute, blonde, farmer’s wife appearance I’ve always had-but that’s just hard to do right now.
So, pregnant mamas who may not admit it out loud but don’t necessarily like how you look or feel right now: I know. I see you. I’m there. Others may not sympathize but girl, I KNOW pregnancy is hard. And you feel terrible. And you’re trying really hard. And you don’t need someone poking at your weight, big or small, or pointing out how huge you are or how sick you look. I know you need encouragement. You need someone reminding you that your body may not ever be the same, but not only will it be worth it, you will one day return to a confident, beautiful woman in your own skin (spray-tanned and all). I know you need someone to tell you right now though your tummy is sagging and you can no longer wear heels because of intense back pain, you still rock an outfit. I know that you desperately want your husband to be attracted to you, but at the same time don’t believe a word he says about you being pretty. I know you want to wear pretty panties, but they are uncomfortable. I know you want to walk out this Easter, tanned and stunning in your Easter dress while rocking a cute bump but also the thought of shopping repulses you. Showers exhaust you, everything makes you cry and at any given moment you will vomit. You’re tired of being so tired. And tired of everything hurting. And tired of hearing “You don’t know tired yet”.
I get it. It is totally okay to feel the way you feel. You’re not a bad mama. You’re not ungrateful. You’re not underserving of this season of life. You’re human. Society doesn’t expect you to be human-really ever. It expects much more than you can give. It expects perfection or a total embrace of insecurity rather than simply living in transparent grace. But that’s not how you have to live mama. You don’t have to live bullied like that.
It’s okay to have days where you look in the mirror and feel like you look like crap. I sure do. It’s okay to have days to long for your favorite jeans and wish that your belly didn’t look so gross. It’s okay to curse while you vomit and pray for deliverance too. It’s okay to sob over your sagging boobs and your stretch marked sides and the fact nothing is comfortable-not even that dang pillow that was supposed to be “the best thing ever”.
Whether you lost a baby-or ten….whether you didn’t lose a single one….whether you know the sting and miserable process of infertility…or can look at a man and get pregnant….whether you’re 18 or 39…or 89..you my friend, are worthy of this season of motherhood. Not because of what you have done, but because to whom you belong. And that doesn’t mean it’s always fun.
So cry. But cry happy tears too. Because though you feel like crap, and look like crap (heck a bird even crapped on me this weekend to top it all off), it’s only for a season. It may be a hard season right now, but you will look back and see what a beautiful one it was too and you will laugh at yourself and smile at your kiddos and put on your lipstick and face another day. Because in the end, it truly is all going to be okay.
Speaking the truth nobody else wants to say-