Trembling Confidence and Miracle Babies

So, I guess now is as good of a time as ever…as you may have already seen if you follow me on Instagram or if we are friends on Facebook…I am pregnant. With twins.

 

An unlikely story and an unlikely method, but true and effective nonetheless. No, this isn’t going where you think…I don’t have a secret formula for conception. In fact, outside of a multivitamin, I didn’t really do a thing. Honestly. I mean, outside of “the thing” that is…no treatments, no testing, no shots, no pills, no oils..nothing.

 

Now twins do run in my mother’s family but have been known to skip generations. After my cousin gave birth to twin girls last year, I figured I was probably safe. Especially considering I haven’t been able to get pregnant since my miscarriage (close to) two years ago. But on Christmas Eve, with trembling hands, I saw the word “Positive” on a Clearblue test and after 5 more decided it must be true.

 

So, how did twins happen? Well turns out I have mono-the worst sickness I have literally ever had- to thank for allowing me to conceive two babies at once. After totally messing up my cycles, and causing more physical and mental stress on my body than ever experienced before, I ovulated two eggs. Looking back, I remember praying in tears for God to remove such a horrible sickness, never realizing at the time that He stands by his Word by using what Satan intended to harm me- for good (Genesis 50:20).

 

I found out we were expecting twins at my 8 week ultrasound and announced at week 9, against doctor’s advice and society’s standards. Why? Especially since my last pregnancy ended in miscarriage? Well you learn that when you’re carrying living, breathing miracles (also known as babies) that often times, if you don’t rejoice in every moment-you may not get the chance to again. So, you can either celebrate every moment that you get to hold within you sacred life, or you can let fear rob you of the very breath you breathe.

 

And friends, fear has threatened-each and every day- to choke the very breath out of me so that I stay silent. But if I stay silent-how can I experience freedom? More importantly, how can you?

 

Throughout the course of this journey of motherhood, through prayer and mentor ship and even a little medication, there are a few things I have come to know. I know my first baby did not die because of something I did-or didn’t do. He or she did not die because I announced early or because I didn’t say or pray the right words. It wasn’t because God set out from day one to take that life to “teach me a lesson”. It happened, because that’s life sometimes. We live in a sinful, fallen world where death is a part of life. Period. Often times in these situations, “little old blue haired church ladies” will point out that “the wages of sin is death” completely out of context and blame all physical death on sin. However, it is my understanding that “God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in Him shall NOT perish, but have everlasting life” John 3:16. Jesus paid for my sin with HIS physical death. PHYSICAL DEATH is not our ultimate consequence for refusing to believe in Him. If so, Christians wouldn’t die. Eternal “death” in Hell is. Death is simply a consequence of the entrance of sin into the world. Everyone who lives will die until Jesus comes back. Period.

 

I was transparent with my first pregnancy and I fully intend to share the hills and valleys of this pregnancy as well, as I am sure there may be times of both. Am I scared of losing one or both of these babies? Absolutely. Do I know there is a risk of “disappearing twin”? Yep, think about that daily. Can my skinny little body carry a baby? Yep, it can. Two babies? Yep, all things are possible with God and this is His show. I’m just the stage. Plus, my midwife also assured me this is completely doable. Didn’t I miscarry because of my weight before (actual question I have had more than once)? No, not at all. It was a genetic abnormality as are most miscarriages.

 

 

I almost didn’t blog this tonight and kind of argued with myself over it. Baby A is smaller than Baby B. We have an ultrasound tomorrow to make sure he/she is okay and growing as he/she should be-which scares me. But tonight, this blog post for me, was working out my salvation with fear and trembling. Transparency is hardest for me when I am afraid. And I am scared. But I am confident. (trembling confidence but confidence) I know the Lord is with me and these babies, goes before us, and is with us wherever we go (Deuteronomy 31:8). So, am I scared? Yes. But can I do this, no matter the outcome? Yes. I don’t want to lose these babies. But they were never mine to start with. They are His and one day, once I am dead and gone (I pray) they too will return to Him. Oh but friends, the testimony they already bear….the power of prayer that is already covering their little forming bodies….the miracle of God that they already are…and the glory that their story has already brought…makes me the happiest, most humble mama in the world.

 

More updates soon. Please be in specific prayer for good results tomorrow.

 

XOXO

 

B